Fake Smiles

I miss you...

I wonder what you're doing on the other side of the world...

Are you happy now? coz I'm not...

I try to...I'll try to...I'll try to live no matter how hard living is without you...

It has been a month already...I smile with these gloomy eyes whenever I remember how I survived those days of longing...of keeping my tears from falling...of faking strength...of fighting resentment and bitterness...

Until now, I struggle...I miss you more each day...I long to hold your hand...to touch your face...to hug you tight...I pray to wake up each day with you by my side...I hope that day would come..I hope...Sometimes, I think that it would be easy if I block you out of my life...if you don't exist in my world anymore...but that would also mean losing a part of my existence...and I don't want that to happen...

I am okay but I am not happy...I have joy but I am not happy..I smile a lot, like I used to...I laugh a lot like nothing has been broken...I carry on as if my knees are not hurting...I know I have to walk this road for our sake...so I will choose to understand even if I can't...I will choose to wait though its breaking me...I said that I will not hate...be bitter...resent...With this statement, I stand. I will still choose to love. Until the day, God changes my heart...or your heart.

I will choose to smile, to laugh, to dance...I'll fake these smiles until they become real.

JUST A GLIMPSE OF HIS FAITHFULNESS

(excerpts from 2005 journal)

November 10, 2005

If God is with me, who can be against me? It’s so nice to be secure. I am very secure! When I read the Bible earlier, I was hit hard by a verse – Romans 9:20:

No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?"

Paul was absolutely right! I have no right to question God. I am the clay and He is my POTTER. Thank You, Lord for choosing me as Your child.

November 11, 2005

PRAYER: Lord, I lift up to You my grades this 2^nd semester. Let Your will be done.

RESULT:

PolSci150 – 2.0

NatSci2 – 1.0

Comm2 – 1.25

Comm3 – 1.5

CD151 – 2.25

Spanish20 – 1.75

PE – 1.0

= 1. 54

November 12, 2005

Indeed FORGIVENESS says, "I forgive you today, and I'm willing to forgive you again tomorrow." Lord, Thank You for forgiving me.

November 13, 2005

Earlier, Ptr. Joab talked about the signs of Your return. Indeed, You didn’t leave us guessing. I really pray that You will use me for Your glory. Let Your will be done. Love you!

November 14, 2005

Another day has passed…I hope I did my job well. Thank You for telling me that I need to serve HANDS ON!!!

November 15, 2005

Thank you coz we are allowed to change subjects until Nov16! I can still process my CD courses. I love the class of Ma’am Jec, aside from the fact that her color is blue and she's a graduate of Political Science.

Sorry for my outbursts. Is it wrong to get mad?

November 16, 2005

I am sleepy already but I’d still love to talk to You. Thank You coz my Prof in Mgt 101 was able to sign the change mat form. Lord, I love You; and please help me control my tongue and to be careful of my ways.

Love,

Zends

Trailing Thoughts

MIDNIGHT. Lying on my bed and still wide awake. All my senses are sensitive during this time of the night. I can hear the late night show coming from the television of the next room; my roomy’s sound sleep at the sala; my heart burning. Sleep has been evading me the past weeks and I have to tire my eyes in front of the computer so they’ll be forced to shut by themselves. I tried counting sheep, drinking milk, and praying for everyone until I doze off. They just pop into my mind. ANGER. How he loves to destroy me. BITTERNESS. How he loves to poison me. They keep on coming back…whenever I lay my head on this pillow…whenever I close my eyes to rest…whenever the lights shut off and the moon hums her melodies. I am always faced with this battle. Every time I close my eyes, I hear them…whispering their lies. Yet, deep within I hear a voice telling me to persevere. I praise the Lord for strength; for reminding me who I am in Christ; for filling my heart with His love. I praise the Lord for wisdom that comes from above and for a heart that fights for love. I praise God for drooping eyelids…for trailing thoughts…for…zzzzzzzz

NOW, I REMEMBER.

It’s been a long time since I’ve last heard of the verse:

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV)

This WAS my life verse. Every time I was asked the question “What is your life verse?” I would recite Romans 8:28 without second thoughts. How can I possibly forget? This was the verse that helped me get through tough times ever since I became a Christian. Yet, amidst the storms in my life now, I forgot. What a shame to forget such powerful and comforting words. Thank you to my friend Jared who reminded me of this through a text message. Now, I remember. This was the verse I held on to when my heart shattered coz the one I thought I ‘love’ found someone else; when I wasn’t able to pass my midterm exam on time coz I was too engrossed with Christmas vacation; when university days were so toxic and hell week was coming. I REMEMBER. Romans 8:28 helped me get through the persecution of being with the family of God; strengthened me in times that I was too weak to wipe my tears and pick myself up;  made me smile for being a fool of falling for someone over and over again. NOW, I REMEMBER. God has the best in mind for me.

Dry your tears. Get up. Take that step. Smile. Wait upon God’s BEST.